Part I: Introduction
I have never quite felt as though I’m from this planet. My mother did birth me at New York Women’s Hospital in 1945. That I am sure of, although she still thinks I might have been switched at birth. That’s just her mean streak. I know that is not true, because I look just like my father and even had to get a nose job at 19 because he gave me his exact nose, which looked better on his face than mine, along with some oversized feet, hands and large head size. I accept myself fully. I have learned to not only live with some personality quirks, but to use them to become a somewhat eccentric individual who loves life and lives it fully. With this relatively healthy sense of myself, the older I become, the more creative and independent I become as well. I love myself more than anyone else. I have been romancing this life and enjoying it to the max. Some of you might think that this is selfish. Actually, it’s the most unselfish state of being that anyone can strive for. How so, you ask? Think of a large cup. We are that cup and in order to function on our highest level, that cup must be full to the brim. If it’s deficient in any way, it’s impossible to completely give in an unconditional manner. So, in order to be the caring and kind person you are meant to be, you must begin with unconditionally loving yourself first. Then your cup is full and the love you give is totally from the heart.
As a child of the 1960’s, I was molded by the philosophical, political, sociological culture of the day. I protested for a few years, even learned protest songs from the many activist singers. It was stimulating and I did love the music, and yet, I still wasn’t happy and it wasn’t bringing me any sense of my own human potential. Somewhere deep inside of myself, I knew that I needed to search for that instinctive possibility of innate joy and enthusiasm for life. From the suburbs of Long Island, NY to the Himalayan Mountains, and many places and people in between, I’ve traversed the possibility and the reality of an inner realm of consciousness that does exist. Fortunately, this delicious relationship with an infinite eternalness has enabled me to be appreciative for all that I have been shown, given and partaken. This is a memoir of my life thus far, with the essential focus on a resourceful reaction to a very serious medical diagnosis.
In February 1975, at the age of 29, I was diagnosed with malignant cervical cancer. Two Class V Pap tests revealed the same results – conclusive for malignancy. I remember with great clarity that eventful day I was called into the doctor’s office to discuss these two duplicate test results. I sat in his office across from an imposing mahogany desk, anxiously waiting for him to enter. Looking down at my folder as he turned the corner of the office, he looked up and said, “Jill, we have confirmed from these two tests that you definitely have malignant Cervical Cancer.” Without even giving me an opportunity to take my next breath and say anything, he then said, “We need to get you into the hospital immediately to explore how advanced this cancer is.” I flashed back to the time I was sitting in the principal’s office in junior high school being reprimanded for talking back to my math teacher on account of a bad grade. Fear took hold of my entire being, trampling my mind and my body. This was a major “OY VEY” moment. I didn’t even have the wind to make the slightest sound. It felt just like the kiss of death and it could have very well been. Many of you who are reading this book will know exactly what I mean.
Miraculously, after one really long deep breath and a sigh, came this: “Respectfully, Dr. ____, don’t you think that perhaps I could try some natural healing on myself first, before anything invasive and drastic?” By his expression, you would have thought that I had held up a gun to his head. Shocked and angry, he looked at me with an expression of disbelief and left the room quickly, saying, “My nurse will be in touch with you to set up the hospital visit.” This did not sound like anything I wanted any part of and he was completely disrespectful to my solution and my opinion.
I maintained a stoic expression for the rest of that day, going over and over the emotional fallout of that early morning appointment. That evening I was scheduled to sing and play guitar at a local Miami radio station. My musical partner, Bob, picked me up that night, and asked me how my day went. “Bob, I’m okay”, I said, “but today I found out that I have cancer.” The look on his face conveyed genuine concern. We drove in silence to the studio. Standing in the dark tiny room waiting our turn, I thought about what the day had brought … terrifying thoughts for sure, but I also felt a formidable grasp of what was really spurning from inside of me, mainly helping to remove the paralyzing fear that might ruin this sweet musical opportunity and eventually block my ability to think this through with utmost clarity. Just when I thought that my rehearsals had brought me to a professional level, this dilemma was attempting to put a damper on the flame.
Surprisingly, my prayers had never been so selfless during that endless wait. I prayed not just for myself but for peace and love to manifest in this world. Inexplicably, a warm and peaceful presence entered the airtight studio. Bob, a compassion friend, kept looking at me to make sure I was okay. When it was our turn to perform, I played and sang my original songs like a real pro. The songs appeared to have broken the spell of confusion, enabling me to ultimately set the stage that would allow me to overcome any fear of illness and of death! I felt a tug of inspiration from my heroine, Ethel Merman reminding me that the show must go on. If it takes something that intense to face those fears, then I’m grateful. Thirty-six years later, I still trust that God will never give me challenges which I can’t handle. So far, that has been the case. Should I think otherwise now? This was the moment to turn Oy Vey into Joy Vey and I did.
Leaving the downtown Miami studio that crisp February evening, I looked up at an unusually brilliant sky. I sensed an intense connection with all that was around me. Breathing a deep sigh of relief, I walked to the car. I felt true support in a simple hug when Bob dropped me off at my home. Amazingly, I slept well, knowing that I would be facing some interesting decisions over the next few days and weeks.
I felt the fear of illness and of death. How could I not? But, that fear came from my thoughts, not from the divine life force surging through me. That fear was beginning to be dissolved by an inner connection to the source of love within me, which would gently guide me through this remarkable time and help me to set the stage of healing. I had this uncanny feeling that if I could use this inner feeling to quell the fear, then I could beat the odds and heal myself. How could I ever have explained this to the doctor? I knew very little about natural healing at that time, but I did realize early on that fear would serve no purpose, so why not start there? Courage would be the key element to take me across the bridge of this dis-ease into a philosophical and spiritual place of peace.
On some level, I sensed that my life was not my own. In my meditation, which I had learned from Prem Rawat in India 3 years earlier, I knew what it felt like to leave this world behind, and so, I wasn’t afraid of that. But, I also felt that I was meant to live to make this life better for me and for others. I just knew deep inside of my heart that it wasn’t my time, and I would fight this diagnosis with all that I had. For those of you who are facing a difficult diagnosis, perhaps it is your time to seek that power from within yourself and get the true guidance and direction through your own being.
Anyone who is facing the issue of serious illness is in a precarious position. I feel for all of you. I also know very profoundly that no matter how much time we get to have in these human bodies, we can be grateful, passionate and unwilling to just follow certain protocols without questioning. If I can inspire you to question, at least to have the confidence to do that much, then you are at the beginning of healing yourself. Unfortunately, the playing field of healing is totally unbalanced in our Western Medical model and most MD’s have little or any idea of the possible alternatives to surgery, chemo and radiation.
The mind can be a powerful ally when it is used for healing. Norman Cousins, a former editor of The Saturday Review, revitalized a popular belief in the power of the mind on the body in his book Anatomy of an Illness (Norton, 1979). Cousins recounted his 1976 New England Journal of Medicine article describing a self-healing experience alleged to have happened in 1964. Upon returning from a trip to the Soviet Union, Cousins said that he was experiencing stiffness in his limbs and nodules on his neck and hands, and that he was given a tentative diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis, a degenerative disease of the connective tissue. After suffering adverse reactions to most of the drugs he was given, Cousins decided, with the cooperation of his doctor, to take matters into his own hands. Recalling various accounts he had read about the power of positive emotions, and the value of vitamin C, Cousins checked out of the hospital and into a hotel, discontinued his medications except for intravenous injections of vitamin C, arranged for showings of laugh-provoking films, and read humorous books. In time, he experienced a gradual withdrawal of symptoms and eventually regained most of his lost freedom of movement. Cousins’ account gave no evidence of a confirmed diagnosis, or that his fortunate recovery was any more than a normal resolution of his symptoms over time. Nevertheless, he reported receiving some 3,000 letters from doctors praising his decision to pursue self-treatment and supporting his mind-over-matter healing ideas.
What has unfolded throughout this ordeal of facing malignant cancer has been a rare and radiant life which I have celebrated in this book Oy Vey to Joy Vey. A cancer diagnosis can bring out the best or the worst in us. It brought out my fiercest warrior, unwilling to accept anything that didn’t make complete sense to me. In my opinion it didn’t make sense to freeze, scrape, cut, chemicalize, irradiate or remove anything in my body. I just knew that I needed to detoxify and strengthen my body’s immune system first and foremost. Some say I was courageous. I didn’t even think to judge or label what I was doing. I understood that this human body is our first miracle. I prayed with complete abandon and trusted that a higher power would guide me through the process of healing myself so that I could fully appreciate this life that I have been given. I also made a decision to only tell a few of my closest friends and keep this knowledge from my parents.
I knew that I had a problem; however, I didn’t see it as a medical emergency. I just put myself in a cautious first gear, and then shifted into higher gears when the engine was warmed up. I was very open to understanding the underlying causes of the disease and willing to make whatever changes necessary to alter this diagnosis. If you really want to take the responsibility for your life, then I would consider this to be your first step. It is not that YOU caused your disease, but rather, that circumstances in your life and how you responded to those situations, could have created a stress or trauma which is at the source of your dis-ease. You will have to do some serious soul searching and detective work to learn as much about yourself as possible. This is where your true sense of self-esteem comes into the picture. Are you worth it? Are you willing to learn about alternatives and implement some of them into your daily routines.
I believe that even if modern medicine’s protocol is to cut something from a person, the disease could easily reappear later somewhere else, since the cause or source of the disease never gets addressed and resolved. I find that modern medicine is sadly deficient in its understanding of the human body’s need for complete relaxation, rest, living nutrition, exercise and time to heal itself on its own. I was never a particularly bright student in school. I was probably bored and just not interested in what they were teaching and how they were teaching; but my common sense taught me this early on. My initial response to having cancer was to step back, assess the truth of this imbalance, adopt some better habits, meditate, breathe and live peacefully in nature, reflect, and to eat simple foods. This would give the mind, body and spirit a proper chance to let the body/mind’s own advanced energetic intelligence correct the imbalance that caused the disease in the first place. I wasn’t sure exactly what caused the cancer. So that would be now one of my searches, which would be to listen and learn from myself. If I could figure that out and make the necessary alterations, then perhaps I could alter the situation. When you develop the core of your being and understand that you are much more than your education, where you grew up, traveled, what jobs you have had, etc., then and only then will you have the mental capacity to go beyond what medicine is telling you. Throughout this book, you will see how I am an archaeologist at heart. I wanted to be one actually, but in my generation, I didn’t know any Jewish girls from New York doing anything but teaching, secretarial work, department store sales, nursing or just finding a husband.
I decided, no matter what, not to own the cancer, but rather to see it as a temporary situation with a serious forewarning attached to it. I also chose to not tell too many people, especially my family. Get your diagnosis, but also consider going the extra distance of seeing the big picture without fear. Fear will blind your ability to make good decisions. Be careful.
I must admit that I had already lived the beginnings of an alternative lifestyle. In this memoir I am sharing some basics about my background, major influences in my life and some encouraging passages about healing this cancer in some exotic locations where I have traveled. The birth of my son, two and a half years after the cancer diagnosis will most definitely inspire you, along with the every present conscious choice to go within and continue to explore the boundless resources of following my heart.
I am confident that these words of inspiration and encouragement for your own personal research will bring you closer to accepting the balance and harmony that are the keys to health: harmony with yourself, your family and friends, your community and this Earth. All of us have the creative spark within us and now is the time to really grab hold of all the good stuff that you have developed and move forward in a positive way of living and being.
|
